COMPUTER JOKES

At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C-Colon, Return."

Someone else chimed in: "Yes, Return"

Unfortunately, the software worked.

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:
   • SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
   • 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
   • 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
   • 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
   • 3546 MB RAM
   • 432323 MB ROM
   • 05948737 MB RPM
   • ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
   • 2 TURTLE DOVES NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:
   

   LICENSING AGREEMENT:

   By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's early light,... finders keepers, losers weepers, ...
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:
   The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
   

   | YES | | SURE |

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.
   At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, and sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha.."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
    

    CONGRATULATIONS

    The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately _$*^&
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

• DOS Beer:
  Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
• Mac Beer:
  At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
• Windows 3.1 Beer:
  The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
• OS/2 Beer:
  Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
• Windows 95 Beer.
  You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
• Windows NT Beer:
  Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
• Unix Beer:
  Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
• AmigaDOS Beer:
  The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
• VMS Beer:
  Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
• Apple II Beer:
  Comes in 8 oz. and 16 oz. cans. Once the world leader in Beers, now consumed mainly by school children and a very loyal group of followers. Apple II Beer drinkers claim that the aging process of more than 17 years has made this the drink of choice. Apple II Beer is smooth, stable, works fast, and the cans never explode. Loyal Apple II Beer drinkers have even developed more and more different ways of drinking, and have discovered ways of making Apple II Beer do things that should not even be possible.

 __!__
   |     Terrell Smith
   |       tsmith@ivcfnsc.fullfeed.com
 ------------

#In the beginning was the computer.  And God said

:Let there be light!
#You have not signed on yet.

:God.
#Enter user password.

:Omniscient.
#Password Incorrect.  Try again!

:Omnipotent.
#Password Incorrect.  Try again!

:Technocrat.

#And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.

:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command.  Try again!

:Create light.
#Done.

:Run heaven and earth.
#And God created Day and Night.  And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1.

#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.



#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.

:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and
#Unrecognizable command!  Try again!

:Create firmament.
#Done.

:Run firmament.
#And God divided the waters.  And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2.

#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.


#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.

:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
 and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in string specification!  Try again.

:Create dryland.
#Done!

:Run dryland.
#And God created Earth and Seas.  And God saw there were
 0 errors.

#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.

#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.



#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.

:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night.
#Unspecified type.  Try again!

:Create sunmoonstars.
#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were
 0 errors.

#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.

#Approx. funds remaining: $54:00.


#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.

:Create fish.
#Done.

:Create fowl.
#Done.

:Run fish'nfowl.
#And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature
 that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
 every winged fowl after its kind.  0 errors.

#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.

#Approx. funds remaining: $45:00.


#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.

:Create cattle.
#Done.

:Create creepy things.
#Done.

:Now let us make man in our image.
#Unspecified type!  Try again.

:Create man.
#Done.

:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
and have  dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
earth.
#Too many command operands!  Try again.

:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated.  6 errors.

:Insert breath.
#O.K.

:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated.  5 errors.

:Move man to Garden of Eden.
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

:Create Gard.En.
#Done.

:Move man to Gard.En.
#O.K.

:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

:Copy woman from man.
#O.K.

:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated.  3 errors.

:Insert woman into man.
#Illegal parameters.  Try again!

:Insert man into woman.
#O.K.

:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated.  2 errors.

:Create desire.
#Done.

:Run multiplication.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the
 Gard.En.

#Warning: No time limit on this run.  1 errors.

:Create freewill.
#Done.

:Run freewill.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the
 Gard.En.

#Warning: No time limit on this run.  1 errors.
:Undo desire.

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Help!
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

:Create Treeofknowledge.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the
 Gard.En.

#Warning: No time limit on this run.  1 errors.

:Create good'nevil.
#Done.

:Activate evil.
#And God saw he had created shame.

#Warning: System error in sector E95.  Man'nwoman not in Gard.En.

#1 errors.

:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Man'nwoman cannot be located.  Try again!

:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Search failed.

:Delete shame.
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.

:Stop!
#Unrecognizable command.  Try again.

:Break
:Break
:Break

#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER
GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE 
MINUTES.  PLEASE SIGN OFF.

:Create new world.
#You have exceeded your allotted file space.  You must destroy
 old files before new ones can be created.

:Destroy earth.
#Destroy earth.  Please confirm.

:Destroy earth confirmed.
#COMPUTER DOWN.  COMPUTER DOWN.  SERVICES WILL RESUME
 ON SUNDAY MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M.  YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!

#And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.

#And God he had zero funds remaining.

C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling abilities.
COBOL: USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
BASIC: Shoot yourself in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into left foot of you. Answer the result.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun, When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
Unix: & Is foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm *.o: No such file or directory % Is %
XBase: Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in the foot, you'll have to use Clipper.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.
Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.
Prolog: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

        Zork: 

>SHOOT MY FOOT
  (with the antique gun)
You're not holding the gun!
>TAKE THE GUN. SHOOT MY FOOT
  (with the antique gun) 
I see no foot here. --Chris Flynn (K.FLYNN)

DBase IV version 1.0: You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was a poorly-designed grenade and the whole building blows up.
CLIPPER: You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that you can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the mail real soon now.
DOS: You can't get to either foot from here.
MS-DOS 3.x: Aim at foot. Pull trigger. "Abort, Retry, Fail?"
MS-DOS 5.0: Aim at foot. Pull trigger. "Abort, Retry, Fail, Ignore?" Ah, progress.
Eiffel: You cover yourself entirely with armor plate--except for your foot. You then guarantee to shoot yourself only in the foot.
English: You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.
Forth: yourself foot shoot.
lisp: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
scheme: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... ...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
Modula/2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.
Oberon: Following your Modula-2 experience, you try to shoot yourself in the head. Unfortunately, your head isn't there anymore. On closer examination, neither is your foot. You extend your leg into a foot and then shoot it.
PL/I: You consume all available system resources, including all the offline bullets. The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your foot.
Prolog: You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing to find its mark, backtracks into the gun which then explodes in your face. (BG)
sh, csh, etc.: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.
Unix sh: if [-x foot] $SHOOT_ACTION -9qv 2>&1 /var/tmp/$RANDOM.sf | awk "{rs%%%s![c-t]} $1 \"foot\"" >foot fi;;
Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.
Smalltalk: You send a message to your foot with a gun as one of the parameters. The message is: foot shoot-yourself.
Smalltalk: self shoot: (leg foot) with: Gun new clippingBox: self footBox rule: blitRule mask: blackMask.
SNOBOL: You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).
SQL: You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the attachment at the end of your leg.
SQL: You begin the transaction to shoot your foot then realize the syntax is too restrictive to get from here to there. Rolling back the transaction, you crash the system. A hole appears in your foot.
SQL: You can't shoot yourself in the foot because shooting is only allowed in ANSI (level 2 or higher) mode and feet only exist in non-ANSI mode. In the latest release, which your site can't afford to upgrade to anyway, ANSI feet exist, but several people have posted messages to comp.lang.sql claiming that shooting body parts in that release causes the operating system to crash.

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