COMPUTER JOKES

Internet Humor

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Trapped on the Internet Song

How do you know you're online too much?

  1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
  2. You get a tatoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3.0 or higher."
  3. You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.
  4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
  5. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
  6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
  7. You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.
  8. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
  9. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.
  10. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
  11. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
  12. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
  13. Your dog has its own home page.
  14. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
  15. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
  16. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
  17. You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
  18. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
  19. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
  20. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
  21. You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
  22. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
  23. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
  24. All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3.
  25. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
  26. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"
  27. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
  28. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
  29. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
  30. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
  31. When looking at a page-full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
  32. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
  33. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
  34. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do," and you don't even have a job.
  35. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
  36. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
  37. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
  38. The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
  39. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
  40. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
  41. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

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INTERNET MAILING LISTS

Q:  How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to 
                    change a light bulb?

A:  1,331
1 to change the light bulb and post to the list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

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Top 10 (or so) things to do with......

..... America Online Diskettes

  1. Place under table leg to stop the wobbling
  2. Scrape ice off your windshield
  3. Build a replica of the Empire State Building
  4. Pave the streets of Calcutta
  5. Play Frisbee
  6. One word: SKEET!!
  7. Burn in backyard to create cloud of poisonous gas
  8. Insulate your attic
  9. Hand out to guests as coasters
  10. Collect 52, draw numbers and symbols on them, then play poker
  11. Build a wall, then drive through it with your car
  12. Send 7,000,000,000 of them to Pepsi and demand the Harrier jet
  13. Backup your new 4GB SCSI drive

..... Junk Email

  1. Send it to people you don't know
  2. Respond in Polish
  3. Ask to be sent trhee more copies for your files
  4. Correct the spelling and grammar, then send it back
  5. Copy the list of recipients and start your own counter junk email movement
  6. Print it out and attach it to your resume
  7. Send it to your local paper as an editorial
  8. Read it to your kids at bed time
  9. Respond, asking for a barter based on sexual favors
  10. Use it for wallpaper
  11. Forward it to the CIA and claim it's a cover for a spy network
  12. Delete it and fume silently

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HOW TO BE A PEST-BY-MODEM

Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").

WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!

When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.

Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like "Thanks."

Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.

CC: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway Internet.

Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.

Dot.Kahm comic

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HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM A MAILING LIST

Although this isn't the *only* way to sign off the list, it is the most fool-proof. Please read these instructions completely before beginning.

Tools needed: one Hammer, one screwdriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes.

Step #1: Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your Internet Service Provider (GOD).

Step #2: If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from this list, you will need to find the "mailhost". This is a machine usually located in a locked office. Every day around noon, the mailman will deliver a box of diskettes with that day's mail messages, including yours from this list, to this machine. Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the "mailhost". The reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the best, fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people with keys don't want to share it. If you must, break or pry the door down with one (1) hammer (you did get all the tools needed?).

Step #3: find the ON/OFF switch for this machine. Using the pliers, set the switch to the OFF position by tugging downwards until the disposable plastic switch breaks away from the computer casing. Discard the disposable plastic switch in an environmentally-friendly manner. This will alert the mailman to no longer deliver the diskettes with the messages to the "mailhost" not unlike the little red flag found on mailboxes. This should resolve your mail problem immediately.

Step #4: You may experience a recurrence of mail within 72 hours. If this should happen, you will need to disable the "mailhost" once again with more forceful measures. Repeat Step #2. Don't be suprised if there is a sturdier door in place than the one you destroyed previously. This is due to the fact that the "Have Key" clique found out that someone has seen their private stash of computer equipment.

Step #5: After you have once again regained entry into the "mailhost" room, open up the back of the "mailhost". There may be a large tv-like device on top of the "mailhost" You will need to remove this first. Take your wire cutters, and cut any cables binding the tv-like device to the "mailhost". Set the tv-like device to the side. With your screwdriver, remove each and every screw that you can find on the "mailhost". Shake vigorously. Once this is done, the "mailhost" should break away into two or more pieces. Do not be alarmed, this is normal.

Step #6: Find a large box with a fan attached to it. It will be clearly marked with the following labels: "Danger" "High Voltage" "Do not open - no user-servicable parts". Don't worry, these labels are merely in place to satisfy OSHA requirements and you are not in any danger at all. Take the bucket of saline water and pour it into any vents or ports that the large box may have. Any extra water should be poured directly into the computer chassis, be sure to properly soak each and every component.

Step #7: In the event of fire (OSHA has been known to be right on occasion), douse any flames with the sani-wipes.

This solution is provided without warranty. It is not bio-degradable or fat-free. In the event of sudden death, contact a physician immediately.

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To Ponder

Life is what happens to other people
while we're reading e-mail.

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A mother was teaching her 3 year old daughter the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother.

One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end

"Lead us not into temptation" she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen".

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Too much time Online?

  1. You meet your best friend for lunch. She says something funny.
    You say: "LOL". (Except for one certain addict who says "LMAO")
  2. While cleaning the kitchen counter with the dishcloth, you glance up at the window, see a fly on it, and think it's the cursor moving with your mouse.
  3. Your dreams and nightmares are somehow...different...they are...in TEXT !
  4. Even though you finally turned off your computer in order to pay attention to some grossly neglected housework, when a neighbor rings your doorbell, you find yourself wondering who just signed on.
  5. 5) Your children need to wrestle you to the floor and pry the mouse out of your hand with a crowbar in order to use the computer for their homework.
  6. Food is splashed at least three places on your keyboard and/or monitor - you have had almost as many meals with your buds in chat rooms as you've had with your family at the dinner table.
  7. That much-anticipated party you were invited to....the one you bought that pricey outfit for?......you don't go - afterall, all your buds are online tonight!
  8. It's time to start to make dinner. You tell your family you're just going to quickly check your e-mail.....2 hours later, you find them munching Cheerios in front of the television and you think they've played a trick on you by setting the clocks ahead....it only FELT like 15 minutes!
  9. The bookmark in the novel you began to read the day before subscribing to the Net is still on page 12.
  10. People who call you and actually get through, think they have the wrong number.
  11. You no longer worry about watching too much TV. Besides, that screen seems so big now!
  12. After work, before taking off your coat and those terribly uncomfortable shoes, you sign-on to check your mail and bud list......and that's what you used to do with your answering machine!
  13. You can now sell the answering machine...all your friends and family know that the only way to communicate with you is through e-mail.
  14. Redecorating to you no longer means shopping for new curtains or re-painting the bedroom....it means going into the Control Panel and changing screen colors.
  15. Cleaning also has a new meaning....it's not when you use a bucket and mop, a dust cloth or vacuum cleaner...it's when you purge your "old mail" and personal filing cabinet.
  16. When you are having dinner with friends and need to use the restroom, you say to them, "BRB".
  17. You begin to go into music stores asking for "wavs" instead of CDs.

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Maxims for the Internet Age

  1. Home is where you hang your @
  2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
  3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
  4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
  5. Great groups from little icons grow.
  6. C:\ is the root of all directories.
  7. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
  8. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
  9. The modem is the message.
  10. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
  11. The geek shall inherit the earth.
  12. A chat has nine lives.
  13. Don't byte off more than you can view.
  14. What boots up must come down.
  15. Windows will never cease.
  16. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
  17. Virtual reality is its own reward.
  18. Modulation in all things.
  19. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
  20. There's no place like http://www.home.com
  21. Know what to expect before you connect.
  22. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
  23. Speed thrills.
  24. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

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If AOL were a city...

You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.
You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com
The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.
If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how "really are important you are to us".
The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-a$$ company somewhere else.
Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.
Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! or g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11 while little kids called your cell phone saying "Wanna ****?"
Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family."
Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"
Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.
even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.
You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really the Earth's f***ing fault.
The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to "McHax0r Wuz H3r3" and "Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz" almost daily. Police don't investigate, but do show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove the sign altogether.
Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.
Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you'd foot the bill.
Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police bashing in your door, throwing your butt on the floor, and kicking the hell out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, dipstick. ROFLMAO LOL!!"
You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.
You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup.
The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.
The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demand money while ripping down the swings and beating the heck out of kids currently playing there.
Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies can not get out "for safety reasons", and then hordes of perverts & pedophiles are allowed in.
The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU DO WANT A DARN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no". The voice then replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW".
A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2 patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g
Community events would be periodically interrupted because of the speaker randomly flying out of the meeting hall and appearing several minutes later with some stupid comment about a Punt Monster.
Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.
Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.

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