COMPUTER JOKES

Computer Lingo

PC Jargon

PC	Petulant Calculator
PENTIUM	Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
PCMCIA	People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN	It Still Does Nothing
SCSI	System Can't See It
CD-ROM	Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
MIPS	Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
RISC	Reduced Into Silly Code
APPLE	Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
DEC	Do Expect Cuts
IBM	I Blame Microsoft
BASIC	Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
LISP	Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
COBOL	Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
OS/2	Obsolete Soon, Too.
DOS	Defective Operating System
WINDOWS	Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT	Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

Office Lingo

404	someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located -- Don't bother asking him, he's 404.
Dilberted	to be exploited and/or oppressed by the boss
Ego surfing	scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name
Geeksploitation	taking advantage of young high-tech workers willing to work long hours if bolstered by junk food, flexible schedules and no dress code
I-Way	the abbreviation for information superhighway
Keypal	an email pen pal
Mouse potato	the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato
Ohnosecond	the minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've made a big mistake
Screenagers	on-line teens; also used to define the 18-24 age group who grew up in front of TV or computer screens
Uninstalled	a euphemism for being fired

REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
BIT - What the black flies did
MEGA BYTE - What the BIG black flies do
HARDWARE - The real stainless steel cutlery
WEB - What a spider makes
WEBSITE - The barn or the attic
CURSOR - Someone who swears
SEARCH ENGINE - What you do when the car dies
SCREEN SAVER - A repair kit for the torn window screen
HOME PAGE - A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the field
UPGRADE - Steep hill
SERVER - The person at Bonanza what brings the food
MAIL SERVER - The guy at Bonanza what brings the food
MSDOS - Some new disease they discovered
SOUND CARD - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it
USER - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff
BROWSER - What they call you when your eye brows grow together
NETWORK - When you have to repair your fishing net
INTERNET - Complicated fish net repair method
NETSCAPE - When a fish maneuvers out of reach
ONLINE - When you get the laundry hung out on the wash line
OFFLINE - When the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground

PC GLOSSARY

When it says:	It means:
"Press Any Key"	"Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
"Press A Key"	(This one's a programmers joke.) Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.
"Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"	"... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
"Installing program to C:\...."	"... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."
"Please insert disk 7"	"Because I know darn well there are only 6 disks."
"Not enough memory"	"I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."
"Cannot read from drive D:...."	"...however, if you put the CD in right side up..."
"Please Wait...."	"...indefinitely."
"Directory does not exist...."	"....any more. Woops."
"The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."	"....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

WINDOWS 98 ERROR

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama....

If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.

It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption,
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys,
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard,
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

TERMS YOU WILL NEED TO KNOW: