|When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.|
|When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".|
|When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.|
|When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the "else" clause.|
|You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /|
|When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.|
|When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number...|
|When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.|
|When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.|
|When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.|
|When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.|
|When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.|
|1. Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"|
|2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an emptying beer bottle|
|3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape|
|4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git" instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel"|
|5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Cotton Eyed Joe|
|6. The "Recyle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse|
|7. Whenver you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"|
|8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Achey-Breaky Heart"|
|9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"|
|10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++"|
|11. Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Texas Flag|
|12. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"|
|13. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am|
|14. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver|
|15. "Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire..."|
|16. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator|
|17. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates|
|18. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver."|
|19. One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12-gauge shotgun.|
|20. Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker - "Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me"|
|5. Instead of "Ta-Dah!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".|
|8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".|
|16. "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.|
|19. Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so then turn left by where the church yust ta be".|
10. The monitor is up on blocks.|
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.|
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI.
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...
Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
'Calm down-it's only ones and zeros.'
'.... now touch these wires to your tongue!'
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
Computers are only human.
This time it will surely run.
I just found the last bug.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
-Robert R. Coveyou - Oak Ridge National Laboratory
It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel
The programmer's nat'l anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH' - Weinberg, p. 152
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. -Dykstra
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
"Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE"
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator
Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.
T.D.I. Microsoft Bashing
Bits and Bytes