COMPUTER JOKES

These are some jokes, sounds, games and songs I have collected that make fun of computers and those of us whose lives are tied to them. Hope you get a few laughs out of them!

animated man beating up his computer

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You Know You've Been On The Computer Too Long...

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the "else" clause.
You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /
When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number...
When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

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UNDOCUMENTED ERROR CODES

  • Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated.
  • REALITY.DAT not found. Atempting to restore Universe......
    REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable to recover Universe
    Press Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue...
  • REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)?
  • USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.
  • Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!
  • Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.
  • BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding!
  • Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?
  • Signature not found! reformat hard drive? [Yn]
  • Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?
  • Spellchecker not found. Press -- to continue ...
  • A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?
  • A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium?
  • A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.
  • A)bort, R)etry, P)ee in drive door
  • Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
  • Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
  • Close your eyes and press escape three times.
  • DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.
  • Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS
  • SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory.
  • APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
  • ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.

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Microsoft Headquarters in Texas?

1. Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an emptying beer bottle
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git" instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel"
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Cotton Eyed Joe
6. The "Recyle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenver you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Achey-Breaky Heart"
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++"
11. Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Texas Flag
12. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
13. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
14. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
15. "Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire..."
16. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator
17. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates
18. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver."
19. One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12-gauge shotgun.
20. Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker - "Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me"

And if in Georgia...

5. Instead of "Ta-Dah!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".
16. "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.
19. Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so then turn left by where the church yust ta be".

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COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

From Your Friendly Technical Support Staff

  1. Describe your Computer problem:__________________________
  2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ______________________
  3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:_______________
  4. Problem Severity: (Circle one)
    A. Minor B. Minor C. Minor D. Trivial
  5. Nature of the problem: (Circle one)
    A. Locked Up B. Frozen C. Hung D. Shot
  6. Is your computer plugged in?     Yes__   No__
  7. Is it turned on?     Yes__   No__
  8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?     Yes__   No__
  9. Have you made it worse?     Yes__
  10. Have you read the manual?     Yes__   No__
  11. Are you sure you've read the manual?     Yes__   No__
  12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?     No__
  13. Do you think you understood it?     Yes__   No__
  14. If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?________________
  15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? _______________________
  16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________
  17. If 'nothing' explain why you were logged in._______________________
  18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?     Yes__   No__
  19. How does this problem make you feel? _______________________
  20. Tell me about your childhood. ______________________________
  21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?     Yes__   No__
  22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?     Yes__

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Little Computer Hints

  1. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
  2. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
  3. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
  4. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
  5. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.
  6. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French. li>If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
  7. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.

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10 WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK
HAS BEEN WORKING ON A COMPUTER

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

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COMPUTER ONE LINERS

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI.
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...
Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
'Calm down-it's only ones and zeros.'
'.... now touch these wires to your tongue!'
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
Computers are only human.
This time it will surely run.
I just found the last bug.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
-Robert R. Coveyou - Oak Ridge National Laboratory
It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel
The programmer's nat'l anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH' - Weinberg, p. 152
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. -Dykstra
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
"Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE"
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator
Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.

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sound button to hear Marvin the Martian complaining about computers

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